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Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Natural Rhythms

A year ago this week marks the start of my 6-month long Sabbatical from my pastoral role at church. I was given the opportunity to take the Sabbatical to rest, travel, study, be a stay-at-home dad and become less cynical. The first three were given by the Elder Board at my church, the other two by me. I am thankful to have been able to do all five of these things during those 6-months and although it is impossible to be a stay-at-home dad and pastor full-time I do believe I developed healthier rhythms throughout this time.

Lots of people asked me what I learned over the 6-month period and I am not sure what people were expecting me to say. I personally imagined an incredible awakening to something I had never seen before. Maybe it would be the development or implementation of something which could affect many lives. Either way I felt as though people were expecting me to come back with some earth shattering discovery, but the truth is I learned what I went away to do.

I learned to rest.
I travelled.
I studied.
I was a stay-at-home dad.
I became less cynical.

Above all of these things there was something else I learned.

As the summer was winding down and the fall was beginning to emerge it was then I took my Sabbatical and had less noise surrounding me. It was brilliant. It was hard. No one really needed me. I didn't need to get anything done. No deadlines. No meetings. No emails. No voicemails. It definitely took some time to get used to. I stepped into a space I had never been and had to cultivate new routines and patterns. What I noticed though is after the noise around started to disappear I was noticing one important thing all around me: The Natural Rhythm of Creation.

We as people run at a torrid pace. Seriously. If we compare ourselves to the rest of Creation there is a stark difference in how we operate. We wake up whenever we want, we go to bed whenever we want, we abuse things all around us for our gain, and the worst part is we don't usually care. As the noise surrounding me started to disappear I had the capacity to look and see people around me. Always rushing, always hurrying, hardly ever enjoying. I made the conclusion, for myself - I was going against the very grain of the Natural Rhythm of Creation.

The sun rises at different times all throughout the year and it sets at different times as well. As the earth rotates around the sun we get longer days and shorter days. September went into October and the days started to get shorter, but it seemed as if no one around me cared. Everyone went as if nothing had happened. People would just complain it was getting colder and the days were getting shorter as if it is such a bad thing. Instead of trying to step into the rhythm of creation I noticed people all around me ignore it. They had things to do. They couldn't slow down. Some even chose to increase their busyness. As the rest of Creation started to prepare for hibernation and rest the people I saw just lived as if nothing was changing, well they did put on a jacket.

The fall season is a time of dying, per say. It is a time where we marvel at the beauty of so many colourful leaves here in Canada. These leaves turn colour because they are dying. They die in order for life to grow in the Spring. Creation starts to die, prepare, and hibernate in the fall. The speed of animals starts to slow down, the frequency of animals we see gets fewer: less birds, less raccoons, the squirrels.

As winter comes and the days are short it seems as though life has disappeared from what we see. The colour from the fall has no disappeared and white snow hits the ground covering everything which once bore a colour.

The natural rhythm fall told me was to slow down.
The natural rhythm winter told me was to nestle in, stay warm, and enjoy my wife and child around me.

It seems so natural does it? If we notice the days of the year move in a way which begs for us to join in. The sun rises, we wake. The sun sets, we rest. The days get warmer we spend it outside. The days get colder we spend it indoors.

The thing which struck me more than anything over my 6-month Sabbatical is how people, literally, run against the rhythm and fabric of Creation. We ignore, for the most part, this natural rhythm. It's a shame because there is so much goodness found in this rhythm.

As September has come again this year I feel more prepared for the fall and winter. I am not trying to get through it in order to get to spring and summer. I am prepared to enjoy each and every moment as I look into creation, see how it operates, and step into this rhythm knowing my Creator has designed it to operate is such a way.

It's amazing isn't it? I know I complain often of not being able to hear, feel, experience God in my life and more often than not refuse to step into the very rhythm of Creation. Maybe if I step into this rhythm I will be able to see, hear, and experience God more.

Well it's the time. 6:30am. Clicking publish.


Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Writing for Me, not You

It's just past 5:30am on Tuesday, September 6 and I am awake and on my computer writing. Why you may ask? Let me share with you.

A few weeks ago I listened to a podcast of Rob Bell's (the RobCast) and he had a guest on: Glennon Doyle, or Momastery. She has an absolutely incredible story of pain, struggle, love, perseverance, finding God in unexpected places, and simply writing because she needs to. She wakes up every morning at a certain time and writes for 1.5 hours. She does this because she is an alcoholic and needs to write as part of her recovery; it helps her navigate through life and all it entails. Now, I am not an alcoholic, but I am in recovery for another addiction. Do I write because I need to for my recovery?

I have had a yearning to write for years now. 

Book ideas. Papers. Essays. Notes on too many pages I can't count anymore. I have no idea whether any of these will formulate into anything, but there is a deep desire for me to write. In the past I have tried to write on subjects I thought other people would want to read, but it simply lead me down a path of checking the post over and over again to see how many 'hits' on my site I got. I would tell my wife if I got a certain amount and be proud others are reading it. But, this is arrogant. This is rooted in one of my default character positions which is the belief 'I have things people NEED to hear.'

Wow. As I sit here and right I am finally gripped with the truth and levity of this last sentence.

I am 30. For the first 22 years of my life I basically lived my life from the perspective and what I thought other people wanted me to be. I would listen to any and every voice and if it said, 'you're great at (insert thing)' I would think it was who I am. These voices told me who I was, but there was another voice I rarely listened to, if ever, my own. 

22 years of listening and doing what I thought others needed me to do. 
22 years of telling myself to shut-up because what I thought wasn't important.
22 years of hiding. 
22 years defining myself by nothing more than the newest 'thing' a person liked about me.
22 years of being blown here, there, and everywhere.
22 years.
22 years.
22 years.

22 years of this lead to internal hell. I lived my life in isolation most days, but not showing anyone. On the outside I was a confident, outgoing, 'life of the party' kind of person, but inside I just wanted all the noise to cease and be still. At any opportunity I would isolate myself and go to a place where I thought I was accepted, but I continued to be deceived.

When I was about 10-11 years old I saw a picture. A picture which said, 'come we will accept you,' 'you don't have to pretend here,' 'anyone is welcome.' This picture led to more pictures, which led to videos, which led to chatting online with strangers.

Porn.

It captivated me. I was in control. I was me. It was ok to be me. Everyone liked me. This is of course the lie pornography gives to users: the belief of knowing, loving, and caring. The truth is no one knew me. It was and is just acting. 

Within these 22 years I immersed myself heavily into this. 2, 3, 4, 5 hours a day believing I was accepted. This pseudo acceptance pretty much destroyed believing I would ever be accepted anywhere else. It destroyed any knowledge of who I actually was. At the end of these 22 years, 12 of which was immersed in porn, I was a shell.

Rock bottom was painful. Not because I was found out by my fiancé. Not because I lost my job and an unbelievable organization. Not because I lost most of my friends. Not because people were incredibly disappointed. Not because I had to always be watched while on the computer. Not because of the withdrawal (but it was horrible). All of these things compounded the pain, but the source of the pain, the source of it all was I was left with me. A me I didn't know.

Over the last 8 years I have been on a discovery of who I am and who I have been created to be. It has lead me to unexpected places and realizations, which have simply amazed me.

I was told I was extroverted my whole life. I am an introvert.
I was told my whole life my love language is touch. It's acts of service, words of affirmation and then touch.
I was told I was good at sports. I am, but am not defined by it now.
I was told I was the life of the party. I hate like being that person, but I do like standing with one or two people at a party and chat.
I was told I loved being the centre of attention. I can't stand being the centre of attention.

It has been quite a journey over the last 8 years. A journey of stepping into me and not a version I thought was better than me. This journey is far from over as I continue to find new things about myself and continue to run from what people think I should be, or what I believe people need me to be. And so I get back to the reason I am writing.

I am not writing for you, but I am writing for me and I don't feel bad at all! I am writing online because I need to get these words out, but not so I can look and see how many people have visited my site, but because these words need to be put outside of my own head.

The truth is, no one NEEDS to hear the things I am saying. I need to hear them and write them and experience them.

And so, through the inspiration of Glennon Doyle I write. I write for 1hr each morning and press "publish" when the hour is over. No edits, just me.

I am privileged to have gone through the experiences I have to lead me to this place. This place is nice, heavenly, a place I am connecting with my Creator instead of being separated, hell.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

I Watched my Son Being Born...

My wife Megan is the person I share everything with and the person who listens to me speak the most. Sometimes at the beginning, middle, or end of conversations she tells me I should be blogging about what I'm talking about; 'people need to hear this' she tells me, but for some reason I usually shrug it off because not everything has to be put online and into the public space. However this time I am taking her up on her suggestion to share my ongoing learnings as a father.

For those of you who don't know my wife, she is Megan and can be found blogging here. If you want to read about the incredible birth story of our son babyj you can do it here. Reading her blog and especially the birth story will give context to what I am about to talk about because, well, it's about the birth of our son.

Pre-Natal
Before we get to the birth portion, there are some thoughts about pre-natal preparation which are on my mind. For those who know me, I devour books and love learning. I also love accomplishing things which seem unimaginable to some. Maybe it's some deep need to impress people, but I love taking on challenges. When Megan and I were preparing for babyj to arrive, I committed myself to being present as much as I possibly could: midwife appointments, ultra-sounds, food runs, you name it, I was there for all of them. I believe I only missed one midwife appointment and was rather upset about it. I committed to doing all this because I had spent most of my younger years trying to escape the real world and lived in fantasy.  Things had changed now, and I was going to be there for my wife and my child.

Now some of you may be thinking, 'Oh that's great. Another touching story about a partner being there for his wife and baby.' Well, it's more than this. You see, a lot of partners of pregnant women would leave all the preparation of the birth up to her. Most of the preparing is done by her and she instructs as needed. Some partners even tell me 'oh I'll just learn on the fly and figure it out then.' Granted, some people may be able to do this, but what does this say to your partner? The one who is doing most if not all the preparing? It tells her she's not worthy of preparation. Think of it from her perspective. Yes, you don't have to deliver a baby, but you are going to be there; you are going to witness things; you may even have to make decisions on the fly. If you have not prepared, at the very least for her sake, you are going to be unfit to make much if any decisions at all. As much as you are preparing for a birth, you are showing her you care for her and the child enough to prepare as much as you can for what's about to happen.

Birth
Which leads me to the birth of babyj. One question many partners get asked is 'are you going to look at your baby as it is coming out of the vagina?' A lot of people respond, 'naw, I think I'll stick near the head.' The question I want to ask is: WHY?!  I know some partners may be a little squeamish, but let's think this through. The birth of a child is one of the most natural, beautiful things which happens on this earth.  Think about this from your partner's perspective. What was once beautiful and something to be enjoyed during sex (the vagina) has now become repulsive and something to run away from?  Is it any wonder why a lot of couples have a hard time having sex after birth? Our society and cultural norms tell us that what was once beautiful and delightful during sex has now become repulsive and nauseating at birth. Upon deeper reflection, perhaps this is a result of the deep sexualization of the female body that has permeated our culture, in large part thanks to pornography.  The sole design of the female vagina is not just for sex. It has also been designed to birth a baby, and this is BEAUTIFUL.  

I watched my son being born. It was something I will never see anywhere else and it was beautiful in every sense of the word. I saw my beautiful wife doing something extraordinarily natural and difficult and cheered her on as it all happened. Partners, this is a moment you will never get back. Seize it! Step into it, even if you are uncomfortable. You may regret it if you don't.

Post-Natal
Pre-natal preparation, birth, and now post-natal recovery.  Let's face it, us partners have no idea what it's like to give birth. We don't experience the pains, the movement of the baby, the kicks, the contractions, the baby descending and being delivered, the placenta descending and being delivered, and of course the recovery period. 

Sex is part of the birth recovery process. It's something which happens during the process, when the woman is ready. Sometimes it can be seen as a large milestone in the recovery process.  Some women are ready weeks after birth, others take much longer.  Partners, fight the urge to ask if she is ready. She is ready when she says she is ready, and no sooner. It seems to me, the more invested partners are during the entire process from conception through birth to recovery, the easier and more willing a woman is to have sex afterwards, and the more understanding the man is on waiting for her to be ready.  It makes sense.  When you step into connecting and partnering with each other through the birth process, the greater your intimacy grows; the greater your intimacy, the more willing you are to come together sexually.

Other Ongoing Learnings
  1. It's such a joy being a father. It is a joy because I have allowed myself to try and see life the way babyj sees it. I laugh at the things he laughs at and enjoy the little things like he does.
  2. Garbage trucks are amazing. Babyj loves garbage trucks. Just yesterday I filmed him as one came by our house and he FLIPPED. It was amazing to witness. The small things are what children find joy in, and really, shouldn't it be true of all of us?
  3. Take life day by day. Nothing has taught me more about staying in the present moment than being a father. It's amazing what spending time with babyj has done for my attitude and very being. Stay present in this day. There's enough here, let's enjoy what we have and let tomorrow be tomorrow.
Well, those are my thoughts from an every-day father and husband who is on an unfolding journey of learning and loving.



Love and peace.


Andrew