My wife Megan is the person I share everything with and the person who listens to me speak the most. Sometimes at the beginning, middle, or end of conversations she tells me I should be blogging about what I'm talking about; 'people need to hear this' she tells me, but for some reason I usually shrug it off because not everything has to be put online and into the public space. However this time I am taking her up on her suggestion to share my ongoing learnings as a father.
For those of you who don't know my wife, she is Megan and can be found blogging here. If you want to read about the incredible birth story of our son babyj you can do it here. Reading her blog and especially the birth story will give context to what I am about to talk about because, well, it's about the birth of our son.
Pre-Natal
Before we get to the birth portion, there are some thoughts about pre-natal preparation which are on my mind. For those who know me, I devour books and love learning. I also love accomplishing things which seem unimaginable to some. Maybe it's some deep need to impress people, but I love taking on challenges. When Megan and I were preparing for babyj to arrive, I committed myself to being present as much as I possibly could: midwife appointments, ultra-sounds, food runs, you name it, I was there for all of them. I believe I only missed one midwife appointment and was rather upset about it. I committed to doing all this because I had spent most of my younger years trying to escape the real world and lived in fantasy. Things had changed now, and I was going to be there for my wife and my child.
Now some of you may be thinking, 'Oh that's great. Another touching story about a partner being there for his wife and baby.' Well, it's more than this. You see, a lot of partners of pregnant women would leave all the preparation of the birth up to her. Most of the preparing is done by her and she instructs as needed. Some partners even tell me 'oh I'll just learn on the fly and figure it out then.' Granted, some people may be able to do this, but what does this say to your partner? The one who is doing most if not all the preparing? It tells her she's not worthy of preparation. Think of it from her perspective. Yes, you don't have to deliver a baby, but you are going to be there; you are going to witness things; you may even have to make decisions on the fly. If you have not prepared, at the very least for her sake, you are going to be unfit to make much if any decisions at all. As much as you are preparing for a birth, you are showing her you care for her and the child enough to prepare as much as you can for what's about to happen.
Birth
Which leads me to the birth of babyj. One question many partners get asked is 'are you going to look at your baby as it is coming out of the vagina?' A lot of people respond, 'naw, I think I'll stick near the head.' The question I want to ask is: WHY?! I know some partners may be a little squeamish, but let's think this through. The birth of a child is one of the most natural, beautiful things which happens on this earth. Think about this from your partner's perspective. What was once beautiful and something to be enjoyed during sex (the vagina) has now become repulsive and something to run away from? Is it any wonder why a lot of couples have a hard time having sex after birth? Our society and cultural norms tell us that what was once beautiful and delightful during sex has now become repulsive and nauseating at birth. Upon deeper reflection, perhaps this is a result of the deep sexualization of the female body that has permeated our culture, in large part thanks to pornography. The sole design of the female vagina is not just for sex. It has also been designed to birth a baby, and this is BEAUTIFUL.
I watched my son being born. It was something I will never see anywhere else and it was beautiful in every sense of the word. I saw my beautiful wife doing something extraordinarily natural and difficult and cheered her on as it all happened. Partners, this is a moment you will never get back. Seize it! Step into it, even if you are uncomfortable. You may regret it if you don't.
Post-Natal
Pre-natal preparation, birth, and now post-natal recovery. Let's face it, us partners have no idea what it's like to give birth. We don't experience the pains, the movement of the baby, the kicks, the contractions, the baby descending and being delivered, the placenta descending and being delivered, and of course the recovery period.
Sex is part of the birth recovery process. It's something which happens during the process, when the woman is ready. Sometimes it can be seen as a large milestone in the recovery process. Some women are ready weeks after birth, others take much longer. Partners, fight the urge to ask if she is ready. She is ready when she says she is ready, and no sooner. It seems to me, the more invested partners are during the entire process from conception through birth to recovery, the easier and more willing a woman is to have sex afterwards, and the more understanding the man is on waiting for her to be ready. It makes sense. When you step into connecting and partnering with each other through the birth process, the greater your intimacy grows; the greater your intimacy, the more willing you are to come together sexually.
Other Ongoing Learnings
- It's such a joy being a father. It is a joy because I have allowed myself to try and see life the way babyj sees it. I laugh at the things he laughs at and enjoy the little things like he does.
- Garbage trucks are amazing. Babyj loves garbage trucks. Just yesterday I filmed him as one came by our house and he FLIPPED. It was amazing to witness. The small things are what children find joy in, and really, shouldn't it be true of all of us?
- Take life day by day. Nothing has taught me more about staying in the present moment than being a father. It's amazing what spending time with babyj has done for my attitude and very being. Stay present in this day. There's enough here, let's enjoy what we have and let tomorrow be tomorrow.
Well, those are my thoughts from an every-day father and husband who is on an unfolding journey of learning and loving.
Love and peace.
Andrew
